20 cocky and funny quotes about women

Here are twenty cocky and funny quotes about women you can use to tease her a little and make her enjoy time with you.

They are not meant to “make fun” of a woman in a mean way!!

No no, they are only meant to tease her and to show her that you are confident.

These cocky and funny quotes aren’t going to do you any good if you just tell them haphazardly; in fact, they are going to have the opposite effect: make you look as a jackass!

Instead of this, I’m going to provide you with situations you can use them in and how to get yourself out of troubles when the woman doesn’t understand one of them.

A warning first: you need to know how to behave and act in a fun way when saying these quotes, it’s important; in other words, your body language needs to match your confidence.

And one more quick thing: don’t try to use all of them on one woman, she will hate you forever!

1.The first cocky and funny quote about women is by Cindy Crawford:

I found it on the internet some few years ago and I really loved it.

Here it is:

“You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs.All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.“ 

I’ve said this one to a woman I was talking to who had huge breasts and she apparently was very proud of them, I looked at her eyes, smiled a little and told her this quote, she was a bit pissed, but then I started teasing her a little, I’ll show you later a great line to calm a woman down when you’ve gone too far with your cocky and funny lines.

2.The second cocky quote to say to a woman is by Marcelene Cox:

“The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her." 

You can say this one to her when she is highly excited about buying a thing; usually women get very talkative and annoying when they want to buy something they like a lot.

When I said this one to my wife lately, she kept looking at me as if hesitating between slapping me or laughing at it, that’s what cocky and funny is my friend!

3.The third quote is by Oscar Wilde, it’s a bit rude, but if said with a nice smile and to a girl who knows your humor, she will feel pissed but fine:

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” 

I was being cocky with a girl once by behaving in a gentleman manner with her, I then stopped her and lifted her chin with my finger and told her this one, I assure you that her hand was going right to my face, I run away from her crying, it was hilarious, I let her caught me and she started hitting me.

Very funny if you ask me.

4.The fourth one is by a genius guy I don’t know:

“Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.” 

If you’ve been reading my stuff, you must know by now that I’m not the kindest guy to women usually.

I’m a pain in the azz with them and they like it.

I said this one to a girl I was dating, I didn’t scream at her but I just pointed some differences between men and women.

5.The fifth one is by an unknown person too:

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.” 

If she talks about something you don’t seem to understand, say this one to her.

6.The sixth cocky quote is:

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected." 

Sometimes you will never know what you did wrong with a woman, you will be talking at ease and feeling great and suddenly she will become mad at you for saying something god knows what it is!!!

I use this quote on those same situations.

7.The seventh funny quote is by Gilda Radner:

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships." 

Just the thought of it is funny.

8.The eight one is by me:

“I don’t mind paying the bills and being hairy, as long as I don’t get pregnant, have milk come out from my breasts and cry when I watch operah” 

This one makes any woman go angry and smiling at the same time; it’s my favorite cocky and funny quote because it’s mine.

9.The ninth one is when you are arguing with her, when you feel that she is right, tell her this one and watch out for her reactions:

“Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!” 

10.The tenth quote is:

“There are two ways to make a woman happy and nobody knows them” 

It’s easy, when you see that nothing makes her happy, tell her this one.

11.The eleventh funny quote is by Kathy Lette:

“Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” 

I don’t like to use this one as a whole phrase; I prefer to say to a woman:

“What does monogamy mean? Is it something you make dining tables out of?! Right?” 

Women will want exclusivity of you, they will bring the subject of men being dogs and that they are cheaters.

You then ask her about the English word for being with one person because you don’t know it, she will tell you: “monogamy” and you then tell her the line, it works every time to make her smile.

12.The twelfth one is by H.L. Mencken:

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married." 

Don’t say this one when she is talking about marriage, you are going to hurt her.

I tend to say it when I see that a man is unhappy in his relationship with a woman, but to tell you the truth, I’ve stopped using it since I got into a long-term relationship, it will hurt her, don’t be cruel.

13.The thirteenth quote is by Neva Faith Linn:

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!" 

When I’m arguing with a woman, I tend to say this one a lot but with a little variation:

“People like you are the reason why shrinks are rich!” 

14.The fourteenth cocky and funny quote I like to use on women is by Salvador Dali:

"Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it." 

This is rude, real rude to say it to a woman ;) but it’s very cocky.

I’d say it when she is really trying to do something in a great way; I don’t mean to discourage her, but just to make her angry a little.

15.The fifteenth one is by Oscar Wilde:

“It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing” 

Again, funny/cruel stuff to women!!!

But it does work and I’m sure you’d find a lot of occasions to say it.

16.Number sixteen is:

“If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war, just couple of nations not talking with each other.” 

I don’t know about this one, I’ve never tried it on a woman, but I think it would make a funny quote.

17.The seventieth one is:

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed” 

Whenever she is annoying me with her endless talking, I’ll say it to her and then I’d make this remark: “honey, your mouth looks stunning when it’s closed”.

I’d usually get a hit in the arm or a cold shoulder later.


“Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.” 

This one can be used when she brags about how cute or beautiful she is.

19.Number nineteen is by Marcel Achard:

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.” 

I’m sure that you’d find a way to add it to your conversations.

20.And number twenty is by Madame Marie du Deffand (what a name!):

“Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses” 

Whenever you see her trying to appear weak and defenseless, use this one, she will turn immediately into a demon and chase you all over the place.

The next thing you need to understand is about getting yourself out of trouble when the woman you are with cant handle your humor.

You use this line: “what! You don’t have a sense of humor?”

And that’s it, it will tell her implicitly that you were trying to make her laugh.

One thing I’d like to add about these cocky and funny quotes is that they will get you into some serious troubles if you don’t have the right confidence and body language.